Top Ten Things To Do List (Satire): Read Golf Digest

Tonight is yet another exciting Sunday night in which one can't wait to sit by the barns in Boones Mill, Virginia, and gaze up at the stars while swatting mosquitoes.

BTW, we did not go to Indiana for the Final Four, that was an April Fool's Joke, you know that right?

Here is a satirical look at what needs to be taken care of this upcoming week:

1. Get the current issue of "Golf Digest"

2. Actually play a game of golf, or at least, indulge in some Putt-Putt...

3. Go to Bethesda, Maryland, to visit F. Scott Fitzgerald's grave (center image)

4. Call "The Atlanta Journal-Constitution" to ask for today's Sunday paper even though I reside 7.5 hours away (the Atlanta Braves start baseball season tomorrow.....we think)

5. Mapquest directions to Omaha, Nebraska, to see an Omaha Storm Chasers game even though I live 18.5 hours east of there.

6. Play Donkey Kong for 9.5 hours at one time

7. Watch the entire first two seasons of "Doctor Who"

8. Laundry

9. Recycling

10. Oil Change

https://www.facebook.com/omahastormchasers

http://www.fscottfitzgeraldsociety.org/

http://www.bbcamerica.com/doctor-who/

http://www.ajc.com/

http://www.golfdigest.com/

We're Going to the Final Four in Indy......

Great, exciting news: Since a friend of mine in Charlotte, NC, has a very sick puppy (a Yorkie named B.B. King), I have been given tickets to the Final Four in Indianapolis.

To be honest, I'm not sure which section to sit in. The Michigan State Spartans defeated the UVA Cavaliers early in the tourney, so I will not be sitting beside Magic Johnson (his alma mater). The Wisconsin Badgers have a great mascot in Bucky the Badger (top image), but I've only been to that state once and it would feel awkward sitting with their fans.

It would be nice to sit with the Kentucky Wildcats fans, especially if I were somehow close to sitting by actress Ashley Judd, one of the team's superfans, but I'm sure even if that happened, she would have a body guard who looks like Kevin Costner as well as a boyfriend who looks like Kevin Costner. Also, I'm not sure what to make of the team's coach John Calipari. While he is amusing enough to follow on Twitter, he comes across as a narcissist.

This leaves the Duke Blue Devils, coached by Mike Kryzewski who has been with the team since I was ten years old, which was when "Mork and Mindy" was still on the air. They are from the ACC. They are from North Carolina, a neighboring state. Durham, NC, is a pretty cool town, they even made a movie about their baseball team "Bull Durham," which starred Kevin Costner. But, Coach K is a Republican and he's already won four NCAA titles. The Badgers haven't won since Benny Goodman and Woody Herman were on the radio during the Big Band era. But, Coach K did write a letter to little boy in Oklahoma. Somehow, I doubt the other three coaches would have done that.

But, in reality, Kentucky will probably beat them in the NCAA finals, and go 40-0; that's just the way the world works. At any rate, I'm looking forward to driving through West Virginia, Kentucky and Ohio to be at the Final Four. It truly is a dream come true!

Note: The bottom image is the jersey of Kentucky basketball great Jamal Mashburn

Perhaps, It's a Good Thing I'm Not a Sportscaster

When it comes to predicting the outcomes of collegiate sports, my forecasting would assuredly have me fired from ESPN. Not only, did I miss every single game of the men's Final Four in basketball, I did the same for the women's Final Four in basketball and the Frozen Four in men's hockey over the weekend.

I had also only picked two games right in the men's and women's college basketball quaterfinals respectively as I missed all four games in the men's final eight!

As for the Frozen Four, which took place in St. Paul, Minn., from Thursday to Saturday, local favorite, the Minnesota-Duluth Bulldogs, won the team's first NCAA title in the sport.

Kyle Schmidt, a senior left winger, scored with 3:22 left in overtime to score the game-winning goal over the University of Michigan Wolverines. Max Tardy, a freshman who is actually from Duluth, Minn., and Travis Oleksuk, a junior from Canada, also scored for the 'dogs in their victory.

In the first two games of the Frozen Four, the Bulldogs beat Notre Dame 4-3 and Michigan stunned North Dakota, the favorite to win the championship, by shutting down the Fighting Sioux 2-0.

My predictions in women's college gymnastics, my favorite sport, has been equally futile as I projected the Stanford Cardinal to win their first NCAA title in that sport this year.

But, the Cardinal came in fourth place at regionals in Ann Arbor, Mich., as the host Michigan Wolverines qualifed for the finals this weekend in Cleveland along with second place Kent State.

Nevertheless, both Ashley Morgan, daughter of baseball great Joe Morgan, Shelley Alexander and Danielle Ikoma, the team captain, had outstanding years for the Cardinal. Ikoma was also cited by Pac-10 for her outstanding academic accomplishments along with five other Stanford gymnasts.

So, if I take a resume up to Bristol, Conn., where ESPN's main offices are, I have a feeling the elevator person won't let me past the second floor.

NOTE: The image above is from the original 1977 version of the film "The Bad News Bears" about a losing baseball team that eventually somehow gets its act together.

PS_ We forgot to mention that the University of Connecticut beat out Butler for the men's basketball title. Ironically, it was the school's women's team that was favored. But, the Lady Huskies fell to Notre Dame in the Final Four. Then, the Lady Figthing Irish met with Texas A & M since the Aggies had upset Stanford. The Aggies then pulled another upset as they beat the Fighting Irish to capture the women's basketball title. Of course, I saw none of this happening!

Status Update: I Am Alive and Well and Not in Rural Mongolia

Over the weekend an interesting thing happened as due to surreal circumstances, I was not able to communicate with friends or family simply because the charger for my cellphone had been misplaced.

After making a series of collect calls to answering machines which no one got, my family actually became somewhat worried about me. In the process, I also discovered that pay phones are officially a casualty of modern technology.

But, I am alive and well and I am not in a Mongolian village where thanks to modern technology, an American visitor could ignore all the local culture and unique cuisine around them and find a watch to watch tonight's NCAA men's basketball championship between U-Conn and Butler. Or, at least, they could probably find a way to follow the game's happenings through Twitter.