Last Ten Women I've Dated (Satire!!!)

Those who know me well, and hopefully few of you who regularly read this blog actually do, know that I have always had some problems going out with girls. (I am using the image of 1920s cinematic hearthrob Rudollph Valentino to show irony).

It really dates back to high school, when those of us of my generation were watching John Hughes movies like "The Breakfast Club," and while I love my life as an independent bachelor even at age 40, I must profess a certain amount of "kiskanchlik" (the Turkish word for jealousy) when I find out that women I am attracted to, even a celebrity bomb-shell, is going out with someone--- or even worse about to marry the guy (especially if he seems be a fill-in-the-blank, and perhaps some of them actually are!).

So, here is a satirical list of 'the last ten women I have dated.' I will explain who they are (not all of them are household names in the USA and Canada), and if in fact they have a significant other (hate the word boyfriend). But, to my knowledge, none of these women are actually married, and they are all alive!

1. Uma Thurman (no surprise here!)
2. Jennifer Love Hewitt
3. Penelope Cruz (she turns 36 today.)
4. Daria Bijak
5. Parker Posey
6. Sibel Kekili
7. Minissha Lambay
8. Susan Sarandon
9. Aleksandra Zhekova
10. Roya (her real name is Roya Aykhan)

For starters, yes, I know Penelope Cruz (happy birthday, btw!) is rumored to be engaged to fellow movie star Javier Bardem, but I did like her when she was making Spanish art films (like the Oscar-winning Spanish film "Belle Epoque") in the early '90s which only true movie buffs like me were going to see.

Jennifer Love Hewitt may seem like a very young woman, but she is 30 years old now. Apparently, she has dated lots of men in the tv/movie industry even as we speak, but she has yet to marry any of them (she was engaged a few years ago).

UMA is the only woman here who is actually my age (well, I am 40 and she is 39, but we were both born in 1970). Assuredly, she is taken!

Daria Bijak is a 23-year-old German Olympic gymnast who just finished her collegiate gymnastics career with the University of Utah. She is one of the most physically attractive gymnasts in recent memory (I am a huge fan of the sport). Of course, like virtually every gorgeous girl on the planet, she has a boyfriend who is apparently a German tennis player.

Parker Posey is an indy film darling. Reportedly, she was romantically involved with some guy who is a novelist. We don't know much about him, but we love her films, especially the ones she did with director Hal Hartley ("Fay Grimm" being the most recent). Her performance in "The House of Yes" was exceptional, but it is a film that relatively few people have seen. Posey is just slightly older than me.

Sibel Kekili is a German actress of Turkish heritage who was also in "Fay Grimm," but in a very small part (the movie was partially filmed in Istanbul, Turkey). Kekili, who was born in 1980, gave a break-through performance in director Fatih Akin's fairly recent German-Turkish film "Head-On." She was the subject of controversy in the German and Turkish press because she was allegedly in some adult films early in her career.

Minissha Lambay is a very attractive Bollywood (Indian) actress. Honestly, we don't know much about her but she was in the hit film "Yahaan (Here). 2005)."

Susan Sarandon is 63 years old. I decided to put an older woman on this list because I found out apparently Warren Beatty actually dated the late Joan Crawford (yes, the one who inspired "Mommie Dearest") in the 1960s when Beatty was one of Hollywood's most swinging young bachelors. Sarandon recently broke up with long-time companion Tim Robbins. She is actually to the left of me (I'm a moderate Democrat. Sarandon is not known for being moderate), but we are both against capital punishment so that would make for a good conversation starter at a Starbucks.

Aleksandra Zekova is a gorgeous Bulgarian snow-skier in her twenties who was in my opinion was the most attractive competitior at the recent Vancouver Olympics.

And, there is Roya, who is like the Madonna of Baku. The Azerbaijani pop singer in her late twenties (we presume) is known for her outlandishness. Roya has even filmed music videos where she performs topless. This is quite amazing because Azerbaijan is a Muslim country! She made it big with the hit single "Bilirsenim" (which we think means "Do You Know Me?" Turkish and Azerbaijani are linguistically similar languages). She recently gave birth to a son, so chances are Roya wouldn't have time for me. Besides, there are (to our knowledge) no Starbucks in Baku!